I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
