We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
