her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just had sex bonerless
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Randomize
