I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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