I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
