well you can't waste a boner
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
