did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Randomize
