Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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