I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
