I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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