the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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