No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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