The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
