So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
