Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize