happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
