Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
