Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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