i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
