Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
