ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
