I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize