so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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