??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
