I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
