Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
