i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
