Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
