Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
