he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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