Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
