6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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