Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You are the jesus of drinking
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
