i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize