im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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