oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
