i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
