Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
