come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
