will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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