My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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