It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
