I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
