i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
