I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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