Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
