I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
