i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
