Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
