dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize