Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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