i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
