Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
