I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
